My journey and the lotus

Lotus and journye tattoo

Sometimes the universe just brings it all together.

Yesterday I went and got a new tattoo. I LOVE IT. I haven’t even showed my husband it yet (I might be nervous of his judgement – I can own that).

The tattoo is of a lotus with the word “Journey” incorporated.

The lotus has two meanings for me:

  1. “With its roots based in mud, it submerges every night into murky river water, and—undeterred by its dirty environment—it miraculously re-blooms the next morning without residue on its petals.” This symbolism to me represents growth, flourishing, beauty.
  2. It also symbolizes to me that we can overcome obstacles on our journey.

Which leads into the word “Journey”.

This morning I got to go on a walk in the rain and wind with a beautiful human. She asked me about the journey I’ve been on. What timing since I just got this tattoo last night.

It was such an honor to be able to recount where I’ve come from to where I am now. The mud that I’ve come through to be that beautiful flower. Every day something new I’m learning about myself. Every day I get to learn about myself from the people who come into my life. I see myself reflected back in them and the journey that they are on. The re-invention of myself every day.

I see my personal journey as one that will never be over. That excites me! I see where I was 10 months ago as a scared little girl (this might not be your experience of me – it’s me who lives inside my head) to someone now with so much love, freedom, peace, play and joy. The part that excites me is what could possibly come next?! I’ve been living more and more outside of my comfort zone to find out where I can push myself just a little bit further.

And finally “journey” represents the journey that we’re going on. This life that I’m up to creating out in the world. Exploring the world. Experiencing ups and downs. The journey of the Camino. The journey that hasn’t happened yet. The one that got me to here. There is so much possibility in my journey.

Lotus and journye tattoo

Please follow and like us:

261 days

Switzerland: Les Dents du Midi

Since Jaedyn graduated I’ve been counting down the lasts… last band performance, last musical, last award ceremony, last day of school… I cried my way through most of these events.

Now: we’re coming home after our trip (or so we think) but I can’t help but think of what we won’t be doing next year. We won’t be having the halloween party at the Fairbanks. We won’t be celebrating Luc’s birthday at our neighbours house and then trick or treating with our friends while Luc steals birthday candy tax from V. It goes on and one. We won’t be having Christmas with my family next year. We won’t be celebrating V’s birthday at home. When V get’s to the end of school, we’re saying good bye to her friends for a whole year.

It actually starts to become a bit overwhelming emotionally for me. Those of you who know me know I wear my heart on my sleeve and I don’t hold back on the feeling machine.

It’s such bittersweetness: so much joy, exploration, wonder to be had. Yet everything we have to say goodbye to (Sanja I got the feels you’re having right now and I’m still 261 days away from leaving!) will be hard. Not being with my parents, my beautiful Jaedyn, my besties, my friends, our neighbours, collegues… yikes.

I cling to people coming to visit us when we’re on our travels (pleeeeeeease come). I envision Skyping with friends to keep in touch. V will write postcards to her friends to practice her writing and spelling (this is homeschooling right?). I know what Christmas in Switzerland is like and it’s the stuff of dreams (except when you light real candles on a real tree – that’s TERRIFYING. My mother-in-law caught on fire just a little bit last time is all I’ll say). I can’t wait to get out there into the world and walk walk walk and meet so many people on the Camino. I think the thing I’m looking most forward to is the people. Meeting, talking and connecting with people. Getting to know where their journeys will take them both physically and spiritually. The landscapes. Watching my daughter experience so much diversity. Experiencing my marriage with Luc grow and expand.

I feel better now reminding myself why I’m doing what I’m doing. Connecting back to what my dream is. I was stuck a bit in the sadness of leaving home. I get FOMO (fear of missing out) like crazy. So when I think of missing out on an epic camping trip with friends or watching V and our neighbours kids play in our backyard or the snow, I think of what we will be missing. It’s helpful to remind myself of also what I will be creating.

Switzerland: Les Dents du Midi

Please follow and like us:

Batman

Batman

Yesterday we went to a Halloween event at Victor Brodeur School. Vivi wanted to dress up and didn’t want to do it alone so she asked her papa if he would put on his Batman costume and accompany her (side note: my costume was dirty or I totally would have too). He, of course, said “Yes”.

Off we went to the event and then we decided to go for a walk at Fleming Beach after. It was a beautiful day. There we were walking through the trails, my kitty cat and my super hero. Lots of people walked past us smiling and looking. It was really hard not to notice their get ups.

I was so impressed the confidence that Luc had while wearing his cape and mask. It was something that I would wonder if people thought I was weird if I was wearing my halloween costume, and of course where I’m at these days, I’d probably answer that with, who cares.

At some point we stopped to sit on a bench and watch the ocean. A couple came by, the man stopped and said “I just want to say, what you are doing for your little girl right now is the most important thing a dad could do for his daughter.”

Wow. Instantly I was moved.

V asked “why did he say that?”. I explained “that moms and dads might be a little scared to wear their costumes out in public when it’s not halloween yet. What the man was pointing out is the courage that papa had to show he wasn’t afraid to dress up. He isn’t afraid of what others will think of him. It’s ok to be who and what you want to be. And he’s showing you love and support as you asked for him to dress up too. You’re so important to him”.

This journey of freedom from judgement is showing up in so many different ways. The universe provided me a beautiful example of what power and love is present when a papa wears a costume in public for his little girl and isn’t afraid of what people will think.

Luc, I watched you after that man said those wonderful words to us, I was so present to the love and kindness you had for Violette. My heart grew a little bigger that day and I fell in love with you a little bit more. Thank you for being a wonderful papa to our girls and for being a brave soul. You teach me everyday about myself and I’m so incredibly happy to be on this journey with you. xoxo

Batman

 

Please follow and like us:

Disappointment

Feelings are just visitors. Let them come and go.

Just a short one to say what’s so for me in this exact moment.

I had a GREAT day connecting with people, spending time at a conference and eating a free buffet for work. So so so good. I thought nothing could break my mood.

Something happened and now I’m disappointed. Sad. Mad. Frustrated. I totally get what happened. And it’s totally out of my control. I get to just be with the disappointment. There’s nothing wrong with all those feelings. It’s ok to be upset. There really wasn’t anything I could do.

I remind myself this, to show myself love for myself. That it’s ok to feel these things. It’s natural and human and it doesn’t mean anything about me. I don’t have to suffer.

And now after writing this… I feel better already. I’m not resisting the feelings and they are passing.

Please follow and like us:

Showing up as “hard”

Money in - money out = money left over.

Yesterday I spoke with an amazing woman. While I was busting up my filter around moola, she said to me “I assert that you think it has to be hard to be free from worrying about money.” She also said “you don’t have to take a whole bunch of time to get this, you can get this now, and start living your life differently now”.

Huh. Like right now?

Yep.

I was told once that people would rather talk about their sex life than talk about their money situations and money full stop.

So I choose now for money to be easy. For it not to be a “thing”. For it not to run my life. It’s really simple and flat and not give a shit.

She said “imagine what you and Luc could do when you’re travelling around the world if money wasn’t something that you had to think, worry, stress, fill in the blank about at all.” If I’m being honest, that’s really hard. I told her, I started this program and my coaching practice in order to make money while travelling.

I started out wanting this to be a back up money making business while I travel to subsidize my travelling costs. I can work and travel and this is the job that would do it.

But now I’m in a different place. I’ve actually found a job I ADORE. I’m excited to meet so many different people from around the world who will share their humanity, stories, dreams and goals with me. Who I will without a doubt make a difference in their lives and the lives around them. That’s what I’m excited about. It actually has nothing to do with the money anymore.

I choose a life free from the constraint of money. That doesn’t mean I’m going to be irresponsible with my money. I’m not going on a spending spree. I am shedding the story that I have that I need save for some date in the future. What? Retirement? Life is now.

I bought flowers the other day for myself (and my family but really more for myself). Something I don’t do ever because flowers are frivolous and they die and it’s a waste of money. Well, I did it because I wanted them and I wanted to give myself something beautiful.

It doesn’t have to be hard. It is easy. I chose to be free from my money story now.

Please follow and like us:

NIGHTMARE!

giving the finger

I know my quest to freedom from judgement is working when my subconscious throws a nightmare into the mix.

Last night I had the most embarrassing mortifying dream. Let’s just say I did something super fucking weird (I can’t even tell you because I’m so embarrassed) and all of my friends, colleagues, family, ex-boyfriends laughed their asses off at me and essentially never wanted to be friends with me again.

What I’m seeing is that I’m still scared of sharing myself, ALL of myself. I also think it’s going to be something that I need to continue to practice and reflect on for a good long while.

+++++++

The other day I was going about 100KM’s in the fast lane. I was passing people. This woman and her SUV came rushing up behind me and then quickly passed me in the slow lane when there was the tiniest opportunity. As she passed me (and Luc and Violette) she fingered me.

I judged her in that moment – psycho bitch seemed like an appropriate title for her.

AND I’ve been that woman. And it’s so interesting to see me reflected in her.

I felt a lot of compassion for her as I know what it’s like to be that angry, pissed off, crazy, righteous and make wrong. I wondered what was going on for her in her life. I also wondered if I knew her (Victoria is very small after all).

I was in a great mood so when I eventually passed her (that probably wasn’t in her plan), I gave her the Heart sign with my hands and smiled at her. She might have interpreted that as passive aggressive – her interpretation and I don’t have to own that. I really just wanted to show her some compassion and that I got her. I’ve been there.

She eventually passed me again and made a “V” with her fingers and put her tongue between them (if you catch my drift). Violette of course wanted to know what that meant.

I feel grateful for that moment. I can see now the self love work that I’ve done for myself is paying off because it didn’t trigger me back. That’s big. I was able to stay outside of whatever she had going on for her, not wonder what I did wrong, or how wrong she is.

There was so much love and compassion for this human being who was just like me not that long ago. Thanks universe for helping me to see where I was and where I am now.

giving the finger

Please follow and like us:

Suffering

Peace lives in my heart

An interesting thing was pointed out to me from a friend the other day which has stuck with me: I suffer in order to slow my world down. I don’t necessarily do it on purpose, but that’s what I do.

Let me back up…

Last month, I was mad at everyone and everything. I blamed the course that I’m in for packing on too much stuff all at the same time: a mid term, homework, reading, connecting, different games, etc… I actually thought they were trying to break me. On top of that work was full on every day, and I felt my business was not growing. My family needed me. What about me?!? There was way too much stuff going on.

So I stewed and blamed and cried and got mad, cut off my family, acted like a 6 year old with people on my coaching team, vented, and essentially did anything I could to not do the things I needed to do. I blamed everyone and was really in my shit. Hating on life, hating what was going on for me. It was so easy to just project it outwards and not be responsible for it.

Finally after days of this BS (weeks?), I reached out to a friend who is also another powerful coach, who I had been reserving for the time I was in my biggest breakdown (you’re welcome Bay :)). She listened to me get angry, cry, and she really got me and related to me. She shared that what’s probably happening is that I suffer to stop my world – especially if I felt like it was spinning out of control (I might have a control issue – just one). I might even get sick to make the world stop (thankfully I didn’t get there).

That one conversation was like a sonic boom for me. How much do I suffer? How much do I do that when shits going off the rails? How often do I get super resigned and cynical when things are too much?

Answer: all the time.

What is there to do about that? Well first get that I don’t have to suffer – like for realz people.

AND, it’s ok to have a temper tantrum. And, you can totally be in your shit, and if you are, stop resisting and fighting it. As it will just persist and draw it out longer than you need. I haven’t tried this yet (weirdly the suffering went away instantly after this conversation) but when I will I will be sure to let you know.

And so the practice: notice when I suffer. What am I resisting? Choose: be with the shitty feeling for a while (totally ok) or choose something else.

You might ask, but what about all the STUFF that you had to do? What she shared is that I don’t have to do it all – wait… what? I don’t have to study for the midterm. I don’t have to build my business right this exact moment. I don’t have to do the homework and read (I’m now reading last months book this month due to me choosing not to do that). AND I need to understand what the consequences are of not doing those things.

There’s going to be consequences to your choices. Totally ok.

I chose to not study as much as I wanted. And guess what? I PASSED!!

I didn’t build my business last month. And this month I am.

There were some other things that didn’t happen that I chose not to do. And the sky didn’t fall. I didn’t feel like a failure for not getting it done. It just didn’t get done. I chose powerfully that which I would do and wouldn’t do and for that I didn’t feel failure or pressure.

I let go of suffering to have peace in my heart.

Peace lives in my heart

 

Please follow and like us:

Loving Myself

Regardless of how anyone else feels about me, I am going to choose to be happy and completely love myself today

Here we go…

I’ve always thought to myself that I wasn’t one of those people who didn’t love herself. I somehow equated not loving myself to low self esteem. Not sure how I got there but that’s where I’ve lived for a long time. And because I made this connection and I know I don’t have low self esteem, I must love myself. I certainly don’t hate myself.

I was on a coaching call the other day with my coach exploring externally-driven love. Essentially, (and this is hard to admit) I need people to show me they love me to feel “enough” and to “matter”. Yikes. And while I’ve been told every way from Sunday that I can’t change people and love has to come from within, I also know I get my cup filled up when other’s show they love me. So that must be the only way…right?

So we explored self love. I was defiant at first given what I wrote in the first paragraph… “who me? no way, I have self love. pppppshhhht…” and then after I stopped disagreeing with her, I took a look. And got honest with myself. Do I even know what that means? Do I honour myself such that I will put myself first? What does it mean to fall in love with yourself? (and not in that egotistical, self centred, narcissistic way.) Am I doing things to show myself that I actually love myself?

Well, you guessed it…. it all came back as a big fat NOPE.

And so I practice. I practiced actually going 1% further in a conversation where I had to stand for myself. I practice buying myself ice cream to give a gift to myself. I practice loving different parts of my body daily. I practice showing myself love and saying affirming things to myself. I practice noticing when people are showing me love (amazingly this didn’t even come through even though that’s what I wanted).

This is a practice. I’m choosing love for myself. I’m choosing trying something different to get a different outcome. Looking to see where I can break the cycle that has held me back all these years of not feeling enough and that I matter.

Regardless of how anyone else feels about me, I am going to choose to be happy and completely love myself today
Regardless of how anyone else feels about me, I am going to choose to be happy and completely love myself today

 

Please follow and like us:

30 days of Authenticity

Be Fearlessly Authentic

Many of you know I have taken on a new role of personal/life coach (in addition to my day job or course). This new work has sparked a new purpose in me. I’m finding that talking and partnering with people and learning about their lives and what they want to create and their joys and goals, is by far the most rewarding thing I have ever done (next to parenting and my marriage of course 😉).

Through this journey, I also have a coach and am exploring what things in my life I’m getting held back by. And so, with that I’m going to share something that is completely outside of my comfort zone to practice breaking out of something that is holding me back.

Judgement.

Judgement shows up for me like I don’t share myself with you, I don’t be me, I hold back, you don’t really get to know me unless you’re a close friend. Then I trust you enough to share who I am. Reason being is that I’m worried you’re going to judge me. And to me, that would be the end of the world.

So, in order to break out of this shell that holds me back, I will practice my muscle of sharing with everyone (not just on FB) those things that I would be worried to share with you because I worry you will judge me. I will share for the next 30 days. (yikes, hello accountability.)

Today, I’m grateful for this amazing life I have, the community that surrounds me, and humanity. I’m grateful for the awareness that I have to know what holds me back, and to know how to access something different to live an authentic kickass life.

 — feeling courage.

Be Fearlessly Authentic

Please follow and like us: