Suffering

Peace lives in my heart

An interesting thing was pointed out to me from a friend the other day which has stuck with me: I suffer in order to slow my world down. I don’t necessarily do it on purpose, but that’s what I do.

Let me back up…

Last month, I was mad at everyone and everything. I blamed the course that I’m in for packing on too much stuff all at the same time: a mid term, homework, reading, connecting, different games, etc… I actually thought they were trying to break me. On top of that work was full on every day, and I felt my business was not growing. My family needed me. What about me?!? There was way too much stuff going on.

So I stewed and blamed and cried and got mad, cut off my family, acted like a 6 year old with people on my coaching team, vented, and essentially did anything I could to not do the things I needed to do. I blamed everyone and was really in my shit. Hating on life, hating what was going on for me. It was so easy to just project it outwards and not be responsible for it.

Finally after days of this BS (weeks?), I reached out to a friend who is also another powerful coach, who I had been reserving for the time I was in my biggest breakdown (you’re welcome Bay :)). She listened to me get angry, cry, and she really got me and related to me. She shared that what’s probably happening is that I suffer to stop my world – especially if I felt like it was spinning out of control (I might have a control issue – just one). I might even get sick to make the world stop (thankfully I didn’t get there).

That one conversation was like a sonic boom for me. How much do I suffer? How much do I do that when shits going off the rails? How often do I get super resigned and cynical when things are too much?

Answer: all the time.

What is there to do about that? Well first get that I don’t have to suffer – like for realz people.

AND, it’s ok to have a temper tantrum. And, you can totally be in your shit, and if you are, stop resisting and fighting it. As it will just persist and draw it out longer than you need. I haven’t tried this yet (weirdly the suffering went away instantly after this conversation) but when I will I will be sure to let you know.

And so the practice: notice when I suffer. What am I resisting? Choose: be with the shitty feeling for a while (totally ok) or choose something else.

You might ask, but what about all the STUFF that you had to do? What she shared is that I don’t have to do it all – wait… what? I don’t have to study for the midterm. I don’t have to build my business right this exact moment. I don’t have to do the homework and read (I’m now reading last months book this month due to me choosing not to do that). AND I need to understand what the consequences are of not doing those things.

There’s going to be consequences to your choices. Totally ok.

I chose to not study as much as I wanted. And guess what? I PASSED!!

I didn’t build my business last month. And this month I am.

There were some other things that didn’t happen that I chose not to do. And the sky didn’t fall. I didn’t feel like a failure for not getting it done. It just didn’t get done. I chose powerfully that which I would do and wouldn’t do and for that I didn’t feel failure or pressure.

I let go of suffering to have peace in my heart.

Peace lives in my heart

 

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Loving Myself

Regardless of how anyone else feels about me, I am going to choose to be happy and completely love myself today

Here we go…

I’ve always thought to myself that I wasn’t one of those people who didn’t love herself. I somehow equated not loving myself to low self esteem. Not sure how I got there but that’s where I’ve lived for a long time. And because I made this connection and I know I don’t have low self esteem, I must love myself. I certainly don’t hate myself.

I was on a coaching call the other day with my coach exploring externally-driven love. Essentially, (and this is hard to admit) I need people to show me they love me to feel “enough” and to “matter”. Yikes. And while I’ve been told every way from Sunday that I can’t change people and love has to come from within, I also know I get my cup filled up when other’s show they love me. So that must be the only way…right?

So we explored self love. I was defiant at first given what I wrote in the first paragraph… “who me? no way, I have self love. pppppshhhht…” and then after I stopped disagreeing with her, I took a look. And got honest with myself. Do I even know what that means? Do I honour myself such that I will put myself first? What does it mean to fall in love with yourself? (and not in that egotistical, self centred, narcissistic way.) Am I doing things to show myself that I actually love myself?

Well, you guessed it…. it all came back as a big fat NOPE.

And so I practice. I practiced actually going 1% further in a conversation where I had to stand for myself. I practice buying myself ice cream to give a gift to myself. I practice loving different parts of my body daily. I practice showing myself love and saying affirming things to myself. I practice noticing when people are showing me love (amazingly this didn’t even come through even though that’s what I wanted).

This is a practice. I’m choosing love for myself. I’m choosing trying something different to get a different outcome. Looking to see where I can break the cycle that has held me back all these years of not feeling enough and that I matter.

Regardless of how anyone else feels about me, I am going to choose to be happy and completely love myself today
Regardless of how anyone else feels about me, I am going to choose to be happy and completely love myself today

 

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30 days of Authenticity

Be Fearlessly Authentic

Many of you know I have taken on a new role of personal/life coach (in addition to my day job or course). This new work has sparked a new purpose in me. I’m finding that talking and partnering with people and learning about their lives and what they want to create and their joys and goals, is by far the most rewarding thing I have ever done (next to parenting and my marriage of course 😉).

Through this journey, I also have a coach and am exploring what things in my life I’m getting held back by. And so, with that I’m going to share something that is completely outside of my comfort zone to practice breaking out of something that is holding me back.

Judgement.

Judgement shows up for me like I don’t share myself with you, I don’t be me, I hold back, you don’t really get to know me unless you’re a close friend. Then I trust you enough to share who I am. Reason being is that I’m worried you’re going to judge me. And to me, that would be the end of the world.

So, in order to break out of this shell that holds me back, I will practice my muscle of sharing with everyone (not just on FB) those things that I would be worried to share with you because I worry you will judge me. I will share for the next 30 days. (yikes, hello accountability.)

Today, I’m grateful for this amazing life I have, the community that surrounds me, and humanity. I’m grateful for the awareness that I have to know what holds me back, and to know how to access something different to live an authentic kickass life.

 — feeling courage.

Be Fearlessly Authentic

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