My journey and the lotus

Lotus and journye tattoo

Sometimes the universe just brings it all together.

Yesterday I went and got a new tattoo. I LOVE IT. I haven’t even showed my husband it yet (I might be nervous of his judgement – I can own that).

The tattoo is of a lotus with the word “Journey” incorporated.

The lotus has two meanings for me:

  1. “With its roots based in mud, it submerges every night into murky river water, and—undeterred by its dirty environment—it miraculously re-blooms the next morning without residue on its petals.” This symbolism to me represents growth, flourishing, beauty.
  2. It also symbolizes to me that we can overcome obstacles on our journey.

Which leads into the word “Journey”.

This morning I got to go on a walk in the rain and wind with a beautiful human. She asked me about the journey I’ve been on. What timing since I just got this tattoo last night.

It was such an honor to be able to recount where I’ve come from to where I am now. The mud that I’ve come through to be that beautiful flower. Every day something new I’m learning about myself. Every day I get to learn about myself from the people who come into my life. I see myself reflected back in them and the journey that they are on. The re-invention of myself every day.

I see my personal journey as one that will never be over. That excites me! I see where I was 10 months ago as a scared little girl (this might not be your experience of me – it’s me who lives inside my head) to someone now with so much love, freedom, peace, play and joy. The part that excites me is what could possibly come next?! I’ve been living more and more outside of my comfort zone to find out where I can push myself just a little bit further.

And finally “journey” represents the journey that we’re going on. This life that I’m up to creating out in the world. Exploring the world. Experiencing ups and downs. The journey of the Camino. The journey that hasn’t happened yet. The one that got me to here. There is so much possibility in my journey.

Lotus and journye tattoo

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261 days

Switzerland: Les Dents du Midi

Since Jaedyn graduated I’ve been counting down the lasts… last band performance, last musical, last award ceremony, last day of school… I cried my way through most of these events.

Now: we’re coming home after our trip (or so we think) but I can’t help but think of what we won’t be doing next year. We won’t be having the halloween party at the Fairbanks. We won’t be celebrating Luc’s birthday at our neighbours house and then trick or treating with our friends while Luc steals birthday candy tax from V. It goes on and one. We won’t be having Christmas with my family next year. We won’t be celebrating V’s birthday at home. When V get’s to the end of school, we’re saying good bye to her friends for a whole year.

It actually starts to become a bit overwhelming emotionally for me. Those of you who know me know I wear my heart on my sleeve and I don’t hold back on the feeling machine.

It’s such bittersweetness: so much joy, exploration, wonder to be had. Yet everything we have to say goodbye to (Sanja I got the feels you’re having right now and I’m still 261 days away from leaving!) will be hard. Not being with my parents, my beautiful Jaedyn, my besties, my friends, our neighbours, collegues… yikes.

I cling to people coming to visit us when we’re on our travels (pleeeeeeease come). I envision Skyping with friends to keep in touch. V will write postcards to her friends to practice her writing and spelling (this is homeschooling right?). I know what Christmas in Switzerland is like and it’s the stuff of dreams (except when you light real candles on a real tree – that’s TERRIFYING. My mother-in-law caught on fire just a little bit last time is all I’ll say). I can’t wait to get out there into the world and walk walk walk and meet so many people on the Camino. I think the thing I’m looking most forward to is the people. Meeting, talking and connecting with people. Getting to know where their journeys will take them both physically and spiritually. The landscapes. Watching my daughter experience so much diversity. Experiencing my marriage with Luc grow and expand.

I feel better now reminding myself why I’m doing what I’m doing. Connecting back to what my dream is. I was stuck a bit in the sadness of leaving home. I get FOMO (fear of missing out) like crazy. So when I think of missing out on an epic camping trip with friends or watching V and our neighbours kids play in our backyard or the snow, I think of what we will be missing. It’s helpful to remind myself of also what I will be creating.

Switzerland: Les Dents du Midi

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Batman

Batman

Yesterday we went to a Halloween event at Victor Brodeur School. Vivi wanted to dress up and didn’t want to do it alone so she asked her papa if he would put on his Batman costume and accompany her (side note: my costume was dirty or I totally would have too). He, of course, said “Yes”.

Off we went to the event and then we decided to go for a walk at Fleming Beach after. It was a beautiful day. There we were walking through the trails, my kitty cat and my super hero. Lots of people walked past us smiling and looking. It was really hard not to notice their get ups.

I was so impressed the confidence that Luc had while wearing his cape and mask. It was something that I would wonder if people thought I was weird if I was wearing my halloween costume, and of course where I’m at these days, I’d probably answer that with, who cares.

At some point we stopped to sit on a bench and watch the ocean. A couple came by, the man stopped and said “I just want to say, what you are doing for your little girl right now is the most important thing a dad could do for his daughter.”

Wow. Instantly I was moved.

V asked “why did he say that?”. I explained “that moms and dads might be a little scared to wear their costumes out in public when it’s not halloween yet. What the man was pointing out is the courage that papa had to show he wasn’t afraid to dress up. He isn’t afraid of what others will think of him. It’s ok to be who and what you want to be. And he’s showing you love and support as you asked for him to dress up too. You’re so important to him”.

This journey of freedom from judgement is showing up in so many different ways. The universe provided me a beautiful example of what power and love is present when a papa wears a costume in public for his little girl and isn’t afraid of what people will think.

Luc, I watched you after that man said those wonderful words to us, I was so present to the love and kindness you had for Violette. My heart grew a little bigger that day and I fell in love with you a little bit more. Thank you for being a wonderful papa to our girls and for being a brave soul. You teach me everyday about myself and I’m so incredibly happy to be on this journey with you. xoxo

Batman

 

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Disappointment

Feelings are just visitors. Let them come and go.

Just a short one to say what’s so for me in this exact moment.

I had a GREAT day connecting with people, spending time at a conference and eating a free buffet for work. So so so good. I thought nothing could break my mood.

Something happened and now I’m disappointed. Sad. Mad. Frustrated. I totally get what happened. And it’s totally out of my control. I get to just be with the disappointment. There’s nothing wrong with all those feelings. It’s ok to be upset. There really wasn’t anything I could do.

I remind myself this, to show myself love for myself. That it’s ok to feel these things. It’s natural and human and it doesn’t mean anything about me. I don’t have to suffer.

And now after writing this… I feel better already. I’m not resisting the feelings and they are passing.

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Showing up as “hard”

Money in - money out = money left over.

Yesterday I spoke with an amazing woman. While I was busting up my filter around moola, she said to me “I assert that you think it has to be hard to be free from worrying about money.” She also said “you don’t have to take a whole bunch of time to get this, you can get this now, and start living your life differently now”.

Huh. Like right now?

Yep.

I was told once that people would rather talk about their sex life than talk about their money situations and money full stop.

So I choose now for money to be easy. For it not to be a “thing”. For it not to run my life. It’s really simple and flat and not give a shit.

She said “imagine what you and Luc could do when you’re travelling around the world if money wasn’t something that you had to think, worry, stress, fill in the blank about at all.” If I’m being honest, that’s really hard. I told her, I started this program and my coaching practice in order to make money while travelling.

I started out wanting this to be a back up money making business while I travel to subsidize my travelling costs. I can work and travel and this is the job that would do it.

But now I’m in a different place. I’ve actually found a job I ADORE. I’m excited to meet so many different people from around the world who will share their humanity, stories, dreams and goals with me. Who I will without a doubt make a difference in their lives and the lives around them. That’s what I’m excited about. It actually has nothing to do with the money anymore.

I choose a life free from the constraint of money. That doesn’t mean I’m going to be irresponsible with my money. I’m not going on a spending spree. I am shedding the story that I have that I need save for some date in the future. What? Retirement? Life is now.

I bought flowers the other day for myself (and my family but really more for myself). Something I don’t do ever because flowers are frivolous and they die and it’s a waste of money. Well, I did it because I wanted them and I wanted to give myself something beautiful.

It doesn’t have to be hard. It is easy. I chose to be free from my money story now.

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