3 weeks in.

Vulnerability where courage meets fear

This blog post has been ruminating inside my head for a few weeks now. I’m struggling with not wanting to write it because I don’t want you to know how I’m feeling. I feel shame and guilt for feeling how I’ve been feeling. I started out this journey wanting to share about everything that was going on for me, but when push came to shove, I wanted to just hide and hope you think I’m having a good time.

So with that, I’ll write this.

Let me start by saying: I am having a good time. I really am. What I don’t want you to know is that it’s been a struggle on so many levels.

I feel guilt about saying those last few words. “It’s been a struggle on so many levels.” I feel like you all have expectations of me that this trip should be so incredible. That I’m living the life. I’ve heard people are jealous of what I get to do. I feel like I “should” be feeling a certain way: bliss, joy, contentment, peace, excitement, adventure. Right? Are you thinking that’s exactly what I should be feeling?

Because of this story I have of how I “should” feel, I now wonder “what’s wrong with me”. Yep, then more guilt comes in “you’re a life coach, you should know how to coach yourself out of this slump. This is your dream. You know not to make yourself wrong.” The self deprecating goes around and around. Luckily I have been working with my own very patient and loving coach. We are exploring and discovering what is going on for me.

Of course it’s not just one thing. Here’s some of the things churning in my head:

  • It’s so freaking hot. I literally can’t sleep, think, keep a cool head. I noticed when the heat reduced even by 3 degrees, my whole life shifted. Weeks of 30+ temperatures day and night have taken a toll on me.
  • I’m living in a small tiny room (every where I go) with the same people 24/7. This doesn’t work for me. I know I need my space, time alone and connecting with other people. Luc doesn’t really understand this at all because he doesn’t need the same for him – he would be happy being together without a break – ever.
  • We fight and fight over the stupidest stuff. Which causes so much disruption in my head. I can’t think clearly, I wonder if we are actually cut out to travel together for the next year. This makes my head spin more.
  • Luc needs to see way more than I need to (even spending just one afternoon in New York in our suite had him going stir crazy). I need to “be” way more than he needs to. This is really a compromise (I don’t like this word as it doesn’t seem very empowering) in our relationship. He needs to stay still more often, I need to do more, more often or he goes off and I stay home (which I’m content with but I doubt he is).
  • Lack of sleep, speaking and thinking in French way more than I have in years, eating at the same time every day, not being able to eat what I want (when I went to work 8 hours a day I got to choose what and when I ate – what a novelty). Two days ago, I was given the gears about eating potato chips when I should have been eating grapes…
  • The 9 hours time difference now between here and Canada… I’m not going to say that I’m not feeling this difference… There is only a small window now between where we’re both awake. It’s roughly from 7am-2pm PST (4pm-11pm here). Which means a lot of the communication that I have is around 6-8pm here. Right at dinner time. And I want to be connecting with my family and friends over video chat or phone call… this presents issues with us doing things.
  • We just had an argument about how it’s felt that I don’t like French culture because I said I don’t want to eat Ratatouille. Then it was because I don’t like how the French drive (sorry but you guys are fucking mental), the bread (don’t know what this is about)… I’m feeling out of place all over the place.

This is life on the road. All of this is new to me. I’m actually feeling quite alone even though I’m so not.

The irony is that this “should” be the time of my life. And I’m struggling. I’m really trying to understand being a different way. This is the breakdown before the breakthrough (god I hope it comes soon).

I don’t want you to feel sorry for me or even judge me for feeling this way (you are but I don’t want you to). It’s not as easy as saying “snap out of it”. I’m sharing where I’m at because I promised I would share the ups and the downs. And it’s not easy sharing when you’re hurting or feeling out of sorts with the world when you feel that others have expectations of you.

But it’s what’s true for me.

I’m working through it. Not stuffing down the emotions. Practicing choosing me and what’s important to me. Practicing being present. Reviewing the blocks that I have identified and how those blocks are getting in the way of joy. Seeing where I’m not integrating my whole self in this journey.

Writing this already has me be more present to what is so for me.

If you’ve ever felt like you should be experiencing something that you’re not, please share in the comments below. I’d love to learn from others experiences.

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Gremlins…

Day 17 of sharing 30 days of vulnerability in order to CRUSH judgement. This one is harder to post I’m noticing…

Today was a harder day. Today the negative self talk won.

I started out feeling really great! I went to training for work and was ready to learn, absorb and bring back what I learned to my job.

As the day progressed, things people said started landing not so well for me. One thing here, one thing there… and then there was the doozy. I don’t want to get into the particulars as it’s not really important. Regardless, when the bomb hit, it was too much. I took it personally. It felt a bit like I was dodging and dodging and dodging until one landed hard and I just couldn’t not make it about me. My gremlin of “I’m not doing enough, I’m letting people down, who do I think I am that I could successfully accomplish this, people see right through me and they don’t trust that I can do it.”

This post is maybe more for me than it is for you. I’m writing let me know that I’m ok. I’m being with the feelings and writing helps me to distinguish what my commitment is to myself. I’m being kind to myself tonight.

Writing this make it more clear that this wasn’t about me. People have their own things going on for them and the story I have is that they aren’t happy with me. It’s not true. I’m doing everything I can and I know I’m making a difference. I’m not sure exactly what’s happening for them but I’m guessing they are scared, in the unknown, maybe frustrated.

Doesn’t really matter what it is. It’s not about me.

I’m still flexing this muscle and as of right now: I choose happiness over suffering.

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NIGHTMARE!

giving the finger

I know my quest to freedom from judgement is working when my subconscious throws a nightmare into the mix.

Last night I had the most embarrassing mortifying dream. Let’s just say I did something super fucking weird (I can’t even tell you because I’m so embarrassed) and all of my friends, colleagues, family, ex-boyfriends laughed their asses off at me and essentially never wanted to be friends with me again.

What I’m seeing is that I’m still scared of sharing myself, ALL of myself. I also think it’s going to be something that I need to continue to practice and reflect on for a good long while.

+++++++

The other day I was going about 100KM’s in the fast lane. I was passing people. This woman and her SUV came rushing up behind me and then quickly passed me in the slow lane when there was the tiniest opportunity. As she passed me (and Luc and Violette) she fingered me.

I judged her in that moment – psycho bitch seemed like an appropriate title for her.

AND I’ve been that woman. And it’s so interesting to see me reflected in her.

I felt a lot of compassion for her as I know what it’s like to be that angry, pissed off, crazy, righteous and make wrong. I wondered what was going on for her in her life. I also wondered if I knew her (Victoria is very small after all).

I was in a great mood so when I eventually passed her (that probably wasn’t in her plan), I gave her the Heart sign with my hands and smiled at her. She might have interpreted that as passive aggressive – her interpretation and I don’t have to own that. I really just wanted to show her some compassion and that I got her. I’ve been there.

She eventually passed me again and made a “V” with her fingers and put her tongue between them (if you catch my drift). Violette of course wanted to know what that meant.

I feel grateful for that moment. I can see now the self love work that I’ve done for myself is paying off because it didn’t trigger me back. That’s big. I was able to stay outside of whatever she had going on for her, not wonder what I did wrong, or how wrong she is.

There was so much love and compassion for this human being who was just like me not that long ago. Thanks universe for helping me to see where I was and where I am now.

giving the finger

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Loving Myself

Regardless of how anyone else feels about me, I am going to choose to be happy and completely love myself today

Here we go…

I’ve always thought to myself that I wasn’t one of those people who didn’t love herself. I somehow equated not loving myself to low self esteem. Not sure how I got there but that’s where I’ve lived for a long time. And because I made this connection and I know I don’t have low self esteem, I must love myself. I certainly don’t hate myself.

I was on a coaching call the other day with my coach exploring externally-driven love. Essentially, (and this is hard to admit) I need people to show me they love me to feel “enough” and to “matter”. Yikes. And while I’ve been told every way from Sunday that I can’t change people and love has to come from within, I also know I get my cup filled up when other’s show they love me. So that must be the only way…right?

So we explored self love. I was defiant at first given what I wrote in the first paragraph… “who me? no way, I have self love. pppppshhhht…” and then after I stopped disagreeing with her, I took a look. And got honest with myself. Do I even know what that means? Do I honour myself such that I will put myself first? What does it mean to fall in love with yourself? (and not in that egotistical, self centred, narcissistic way.) Am I doing things to show myself that I actually love myself?

Well, you guessed it…. it all came back as a big fat NOPE.

And so I practice. I practiced actually going 1% further in a conversation where I had to stand for myself. I practice buying myself ice cream to give a gift to myself. I practice loving different parts of my body daily. I practice showing myself love and saying affirming things to myself. I practice noticing when people are showing me love (amazingly this didn’t even come through even though that’s what I wanted).

This is a practice. I’m choosing love for myself. I’m choosing trying something different to get a different outcome. Looking to see where I can break the cycle that has held me back all these years of not feeling enough and that I matter.

Regardless of how anyone else feels about me, I am going to choose to be happy and completely love myself today
Regardless of how anyone else feels about me, I am going to choose to be happy and completely love myself today

 

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30 days of Authenticity

Be Fearlessly Authentic

Many of you know I have taken on a new role of personal/life coach (in addition to my day job or course). This new work has sparked a new purpose in me. I’m finding that talking and partnering with people and learning about their lives and what they want to create and their joys and goals, is by far the most rewarding thing I have ever done (next to parenting and my marriage of course 😉).

Through this journey, I also have a coach and am exploring what things in my life I’m getting held back by. And so, with that I’m going to share something that is completely outside of my comfort zone to practice breaking out of something that is holding me back.

Judgement.

Judgement shows up for me like I don’t share myself with you, I don’t be me, I hold back, you don’t really get to know me unless you’re a close friend. Then I trust you enough to share who I am. Reason being is that I’m worried you’re going to judge me. And to me, that would be the end of the world.

So, in order to break out of this shell that holds me back, I will practice my muscle of sharing with everyone (not just on FB) those things that I would be worried to share with you because I worry you will judge me. I will share for the next 30 days. (yikes, hello accountability.)

Today, I’m grateful for this amazing life I have, the community that surrounds me, and humanity. I’m grateful for the awareness that I have to know what holds me back, and to know how to access something different to live an authentic kickass life.

 — feeling courage.

Be Fearlessly Authentic

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