Gremlins…

Day 17 of sharing 30 days of vulnerability in order to CRUSH judgement. This one is harder to post I’m noticing…

Today was a harder day. Today the negative self talk won.

I started out feeling really great! I went to training for work and was ready to learn, absorb and bring back what I learned to my job.

As the day progressed, things people said started landing not so well for me. One thing here, one thing there… and then there was the doozy. I don’t want to get into the particulars as it’s not really important. Regardless, when the bomb hit, it was too much. I took it personally. It felt a bit like I was dodging and dodging and dodging until one landed hard and I just couldn’t not make it about me. My gremlin of “I’m not doing enough, I’m letting people down, who do I think I am that I could successfully accomplish this, people see right through me and they don’t trust that I can do it.”

This post is maybe more for me than it is for you. I’m writing let me know that I’m ok. I’m being with the feelings and writing helps me to distinguish what my commitment is to myself. I’m being kind to myself tonight.

Writing this make it more clear that this wasn’t about me. People have their own things going on for them and the story I have is that they aren’t happy with me. It’s not true. I’m doing everything I can and I know I’m making a difference. I’m not sure exactly what’s happening for them but I’m guessing they are scared, in the unknown, maybe frustrated.

Doesn’t really matter what it is. It’s not about me.

I’m still flexing this muscle and as of right now: I choose happiness over suffering.

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261 days

Switzerland: Les Dents du Midi

Since Jaedyn graduated I’ve been counting down the lasts… last band performance, last musical, last award ceremony, last day of school… I cried my way through most of these events.

Now: we’re coming home after our trip (or so we think) but I can’t help but think of what we won’t be doing next year. We won’t be having the halloween party at the Fairbanks. We won’t be celebrating Luc’s birthday at our neighbours house and then trick or treating with our friends while Luc steals birthday candy tax from V. It goes on and one. We won’t be having Christmas with my family next year. We won’t be celebrating V’s birthday at home. When V get’s to the end of school, we’re saying good bye to her friends for a whole year.

It actually starts to become a bit overwhelming emotionally for me. Those of you who know me know I wear my heart on my sleeve and I don’t hold back on the feeling machine.

It’s such bittersweetness: so much joy, exploration, wonder to be had. Yet everything we have to say goodbye to (Sanja I got the feels you’re having right now and I’m still 261 days away from leaving!) will be hard. Not being with my parents, my beautiful Jaedyn, my besties, my friends, our neighbours, collegues… yikes.

I cling to people coming to visit us when we’re on our travels (pleeeeeeease come). I envision Skyping with friends to keep in touch. V will write postcards to her friends to practice her writing and spelling (this is homeschooling right?). I know what Christmas in Switzerland is like and it’s the stuff of dreams (except when you light real candles on a real tree – that’s TERRIFYING. My mother-in-law caught on fire just a little bit last time is all I’ll say). I can’t wait to get out there into the world and walk walk walk and meet so many people on the Camino. I think the thing I’m looking most forward to is the people. Meeting, talking and connecting with people. Getting to know where their journeys will take them both physically and spiritually. The landscapes. Watching my daughter experience so much diversity. Experiencing my marriage with Luc grow and expand.

I feel better now reminding myself why I’m doing what I’m doing. Connecting back to what my dream is. I was stuck a bit in the sadness of leaving home. I get FOMO (fear of missing out) like crazy. So when I think of missing out on an epic camping trip with friends or watching V and our neighbours kids play in our backyard or the snow, I think of what we will be missing. It’s helpful to remind myself of also what I will be creating.

Switzerland: Les Dents du Midi

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Batman

Batman

Yesterday we went to a Halloween event at Victor Brodeur School. Vivi wanted to dress up and didn’t want to do it alone so she asked her papa if he would put on his Batman costume and accompany her (side note: my costume was dirty or I totally would have too). He, of course, said “Yes”.

Off we went to the event and then we decided to go for a walk at Fleming Beach after. It was a beautiful day. There we were walking through the trails, my kitty cat and my super hero. Lots of people walked past us smiling and looking. It was really hard not to notice their get ups.

I was so impressed the confidence that Luc had while wearing his cape and mask. It was something that I would wonder if people thought I was weird if I was wearing my halloween costume, and of course where I’m at these days, I’d probably answer that with, who cares.

At some point we stopped to sit on a bench and watch the ocean. A couple came by, the man stopped and said “I just want to say, what you are doing for your little girl right now is the most important thing a dad could do for his daughter.”

Wow. Instantly I was moved.

V asked “why did he say that?”. I explained “that moms and dads might be a little scared to wear their costumes out in public when it’s not halloween yet. What the man was pointing out is the courage that papa had to show he wasn’t afraid to dress up. He isn’t afraid of what others will think of him. It’s ok to be who and what you want to be. And he’s showing you love and support as you asked for him to dress up too. You’re so important to him”.

This journey of freedom from judgement is showing up in so many different ways. The universe provided me a beautiful example of what power and love is present when a papa wears a costume in public for his little girl and isn’t afraid of what people will think.

Luc, I watched you after that man said those wonderful words to us, I was so present to the love and kindness you had for Violette. My heart grew a little bigger that day and I fell in love with you a little bit more. Thank you for being a wonderful papa to our girls and for being a brave soul. You teach me everyday about myself and I’m so incredibly happy to be on this journey with you. xoxo

Batman

 

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Accomplishment Coaching

Journey

You might wonder what I’ve been doing to move through the self development that I’ve been posting about. Tonight I want to share the amazing 12 month course that I am in and have been in since March of this year.

Accomplishment Coaching is a coaching and leadership course that has changed my life. There are 21 other people that have joined me on this journey as well as the amazing team of mentor coaches. The course creates strong leaders and ontological coaches. If you’ve ever wanted to create your own coaching business, this course doesn’t just teach you how to be a coach, it teaches you how to create your business as well. I started my coach business and have found my passion.

On top of that, if you’re looking for self development and leadership skills, you want to check it out. It creates breakthroughs in your life that are unparalleled.

Some breakthroughs/shifts I’ve had:

  • breaking up my judgement filter from others
  • getting that I’m good enough and I matter
  • busting up my contexts around right/wrong, black/white, all or nothing
  • releasing control
  • seeing how responsibility and integrity has been a prison for me
  • not enough time/too busy is a facade
  • money is just a story we made up
  • finding my voice
  • self love
  • my relationship with my family
  • needing to get things done right away!
  • expectations of others
  • external validation/love
  • playing the middle person in all situations
  • leader
  • fun/play/joy!
  • loving the voice in my head
  • courage/confidence
  • living outside my comfort zone
  • getting supported and being support for others
  • being of service to people and the joy that that brings

What I get from all these breakthroughs:

  • love, PEACE, strength, FREEDOM, passion, compassion, courage, grace, BEING, humanity, being me, authenticity, vulnerability.

This has been the most incredible 8 months of my life. I have an wonderful team of humans and coaches to draw upon to support me in my journey. When I get scared or angry, they are there to ‘get me’ and support me through it in whatever way I need.

If after all that you’re keen to know more, I would suggest to reach out to me and/or get yourself registered in an observation session coming up on November 4, 10-12:30. It’s free and you can watch us go through some of the motions during our monthly weekend. It’s powerful and beautiful to be apart of it. There is also a 4 hour workshop in the afternoon that is called “Power Tools for Living” that costs $135 and is worth it’s weight in gold. Luc and I did it together and it was profound.

Let me know if you’re coming. I hope to see you there.

Journey

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Disappointment

Feelings are just visitors. Let them come and go.

Just a short one to say what’s so for me in this exact moment.

I had a GREAT day connecting with people, spending time at a conference and eating a free buffet for work. So so so good. I thought nothing could break my mood.

Something happened and now I’m disappointed. Sad. Mad. Frustrated. I totally get what happened. And it’s totally out of my control. I get to just be with the disappointment. There’s nothing wrong with all those feelings. It’s ok to be upset. There really wasn’t anything I could do.

I remind myself this, to show myself love for myself. That it’s ok to feel these things. It’s natural and human and it doesn’t mean anything about me. I don’t have to suffer.

And now after writing this… I feel better already. I’m not resisting the feelings and they are passing.

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Showing up as “hard”

Money in - money out = money left over.

Yesterday I spoke with an amazing woman. While I was busting up my filter around moola, she said to me “I assert that you think it has to be hard to be free from worrying about money.” She also said “you don’t have to take a whole bunch of time to get this, you can get this now, and start living your life differently now”.

Huh. Like right now?

Yep.

I was told once that people would rather talk about their sex life than talk about their money situations and money full stop.

So I choose now for money to be easy. For it not to be a “thing”. For it not to run my life. It’s really simple and flat and not give a shit.

She said “imagine what you and Luc could do when you’re travelling around the world if money wasn’t something that you had to think, worry, stress, fill in the blank about at all.” If I’m being honest, that’s really hard. I told her, I started this program and my coaching practice in order to make money while travelling.

I started out wanting this to be a back up money making business while I travel to subsidize my travelling costs. I can work and travel and this is the job that would do it.

But now I’m in a different place. I’ve actually found a job I ADORE. I’m excited to meet so many different people from around the world who will share their humanity, stories, dreams and goals with me. Who I will without a doubt make a difference in their lives and the lives around them. That’s what I’m excited about. It actually has nothing to do with the money anymore.

I choose a life free from the constraint of money. That doesn’t mean I’m going to be irresponsible with my money. I’m not going on a spending spree. I am shedding the story that I have that I need save for some date in the future. What? Retirement? Life is now.

I bought flowers the other day for myself (and my family but really more for myself). Something I don’t do ever because flowers are frivolous and they die and it’s a waste of money. Well, I did it because I wanted them and I wanted to give myself something beautiful.

It doesn’t have to be hard. It is easy. I chose to be free from my money story now.

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NIGHTMARE!

giving the finger

I know my quest to freedom from judgement is working when my subconscious throws a nightmare into the mix.

Last night I had the most embarrassing mortifying dream. Let’s just say I did something super fucking weird (I can’t even tell you because I’m so embarrassed) and all of my friends, colleagues, family, ex-boyfriends laughed their asses off at me and essentially never wanted to be friends with me again.

What I’m seeing is that I’m still scared of sharing myself, ALL of myself. I also think it’s going to be something that I need to continue to practice and reflect on for a good long while.

+++++++

The other day I was going about 100KM’s in the fast lane. I was passing people. This woman and her SUV came rushing up behind me and then quickly passed me in the slow lane when there was the tiniest opportunity. As she passed me (and Luc and Violette) she fingered me.

I judged her in that moment – psycho bitch seemed like an appropriate title for her.

AND I’ve been that woman. And it’s so interesting to see me reflected in her.

I felt a lot of compassion for her as I know what it’s like to be that angry, pissed off, crazy, righteous and make wrong. I wondered what was going on for her in her life. I also wondered if I knew her (Victoria is very small after all).

I was in a great mood so when I eventually passed her (that probably wasn’t in her plan), I gave her the Heart sign with my hands and smiled at her. She might have interpreted that as passive aggressive – her interpretation and I don’t have to own that. I really just wanted to show her some compassion and that I got her. I’ve been there.

She eventually passed me again and made a “V” with her fingers and put her tongue between them (if you catch my drift). Violette of course wanted to know what that meant.

I feel grateful for that moment. I can see now the self love work that I’ve done for myself is paying off because it didn’t trigger me back. That’s big. I was able to stay outside of whatever she had going on for her, not wonder what I did wrong, or how wrong she is.

There was so much love and compassion for this human being who was just like me not that long ago. Thanks universe for helping me to see where I was and where I am now.

giving the finger

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Busting up my money context

This afternoon I met with my coach to talk about money and where my relationship with money is holding me back. You see, I have always saved and squirrelled and scrimped. Like there was always a scarcity of money.

This story or belief that I’ve had has built some wealth in my life. I married a Swiss banker and we’ve been living a fairly abundant life with money. We have a lot of the same values around money.

The only problem is that because of this story and belief, I actually can’t live a fulfilling life.

What do I mean? Everything has a value. Is it worth it to me to do something? Is it worth it to buy something? Am I getting the best deal? Where are the sales? It’s like constantly measuring yourself and your life against money (and time but that’s for another post).

This morning, I actually got pissy because Luc had to print 37 pages of a soccer coaching manual on our printer. Do you know the cost of ink? I could let the cost of the paper go but not the ink. I suggested even to have it printed at Staples as that would be $3.70. Surely, the ink in our printer would cost more. I could see that that seemed a bit ridiculous so eventually landed on black and white, two pages to a sheet, economy ink dispersal and I could live with that.

The other day, I decided that having time alone for me was more important than car pooling with Luc. And so we had to have a gas conversation and if I was going to pay for that.

IT’S EXHAUSTING AND I’m declaring I’m busting that up. In order for ME to not have a scarcity belief, my practice is abundance and generosity.

In order for us to shed the beliefs that are holding us back, we must really get what is getting in our way (judgement, money, time, etc…) and then build practices and exercise our choices to rewire our brains and create the lives we want. Outside of our comfort zone where we grow.

What is it we want in our lives? Stop. Ask yourself now. Like for realz here people. No shit no kidding.

What is getting in your way? I hear money a lot. I also hear time (too busy). I hear being scared. Are you willing to make a bold move, even if you are scared, to finally be free of that thing that’s holding you back?

This month for me it’s judgement. And now I’ve distinguished money. And so my practice this week is to share with you and my accountability buddy, Michelle, when I choose YES to money instead of “are you fucking kidding me?” This practice will move me closer to breaking down my fears of money, it will create money to not be something that constantly holds me back, I will have the breakthrough I want in order to be free of this ball and chain.

Today I said yes to my beautiful friend Hilary to buy more of her product with Valentus.

The goal is to have money be abundant, free flowing, generosity, love, freedom, curiosity and beautiful. Not something to stress about. It’s just money in – money out = money left over. That’s it.

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Things I don’t want you to know and things I do want you to know

I was showering this morning thinking about what I would share. I was wondering what would be super scary to share with my world that would plunge me outside of my comfort zone? I got it, things I don’t want you to know about me and things I do.

Things I don’t want you to know about me:

  • I was a loser in high school (that might be a bit harsh and funny that it’s the first bullet)
  • I’m afraid people are judging me ALL THE TIME (this is actually reducing as I didn’t die yet since I started this 6 days ago)
  • I’m afraid people will find out I’m controlling – or at least that’s the story
  • I’m afraid people will think I’m stupid
  • I cry (a lot)
  • I get angry and yell
  • I think I’m fat
  • I don’t especially like gardening
  • I spend way too much time in my head worrying
  • I swear too much
  • I hate cooking
  • I worry about money
  • I worry if about how I come across to others
  • I worry if people think I’m weird
  • I worry I’m not a good mother or wife
  • I have some regrets in life and I also see these things made me who I am today
  • I don’t have enough time to do everything I want to do
  • I suffer, blame and make people wrong
  • I feel like a doormat, not enough, and I don’t matter
  • I can be righteous and a victim
  • #metoo
  • I’m not perfect
  • I’m human

Things I want you to know about me:

  • I’m a mother, wife, daughter, public servant, landlord, coach, lover of nature
  • I’m living outside my comfort zone in order to grow
  • I’m posting this to crack open my judgement context
  • I was a single mom for a few years and I’m proud of it
  • I want to learn Spanish
  • I love dancing
  • I love singing in my car alone or with Vivi
  • I love to listen to accents in other people
  • I love culture, different countries and finding out about our differences
  • I love people especially when I get to see inside their beautiful lives
  • I’m learning that others have shit going on in their lives which sometimes comes out onto me
  • I’m learning how not to make that about me
  • I’m going to get another tattoo
  • I’m learning that I can’t be responsible for how people interpret what I say/do. I can clean it up though
  • I’m learning a new relationship with integrity
  • I’m learning how to let go of responsibilities that aren’t mine
    • And that everything will still turn out as it will
  • I want to make a difference in the world
  • I want everyone I talk to to feel touched, special and loved
  • I want to leave a legacy
  • I love it when my husband gardens and I get to eat that nourishing food
  • I love it when people show that they like/love me
  • I’m learning to feel ok without the external input from others
  • I’m learning to love and fall in love with myself
  • I’m not perfect
  • I’m human
  • I’m Love, Leader, Humanity, Play and Hearth and my life purpose is Harmony

<3

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Getting to no… is not so bad

A gift

I’ve been working on my coaching business like cray cray these days. What does that mean exactly? Talking with amazing humans. Conversating about their lives. Listening to what their goals and dreams are that they want to make come true. This job might be the best job on the face of this planet. Well it’s definitely the right “job” (if you can even call it that) for me.

Side note: there are a ton of amazing humans out there wanting to make a real difference in their lives, their community and the world.  

Eventually, the conversation turns to me asking them if they want to hire me. For any of you that I’ve talked to of late, this is not about you, this is all about me.

What’s so: in the last three days I’ve had 5 “no, not right now” conversations for coaching.

What I’m realizing is that the “no, not right now” is a gift.

Don’t get me wrong: YES is an even better gift but I am seeing the “no, not right now’s” as a gift in my commitment and passion for what I’m building.

If everything came easy and everyone agreed to commit to coaching, then I wouldn’t get to grow in what the “no, not right now” means.

Tricked you: “no, not right now” means absolutely nothing. It just means “no, not right now”. That’s it. It doesn’t mean I’m not good enough, it doesn’t mean they don’t like me, it doesn’t mean that people don’t know what they are missing – it just means “no, not right now”.

We, humans are meaning-making-machines. We make meaning out of everything even when there isn’t anything to mean in a lot of cases. This is a life long practice for me to cut the BS and just listen for what is actually being said in every circumstance. Not what the hidden meaning could be.

So I see that when the universe is giving me “no, not right now”, I’m learning a whole bunch of stuff. I’m learning, that it’s not about me. I’m learning that people have their own stuff going on. I’m learning that I have to hear “no, not right now” a few times before I get a YES. I’m learning that the “no, not right now” makes me stronger and I grow. AND I’m getting out there, letting the universe know what I’m up to and what I want to create. I’m in action creating my business – which makes me proud.

And when I hear a “HELL YES!” it makes the journey to loving my coaching business all the more rewarding.

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