Gremlins…

Day 17 of sharing 30 days of vulnerability in order to CRUSH judgement. This one is harder to post I’m noticing…

Today was a harder day. Today the negative self talk won.

I started out feeling really great! I went to training for work and was ready to learn, absorb and bring back what I learned to my job.

As the day progressed, things people said started landing not so well for me. One thing here, one thing there… and then there was the doozy. I don’t want to get into the particulars as it’s not really important. Regardless, when the bomb hit, it was too much. I took it personally. It felt a bit like I was dodging and dodging and dodging until one landed hard and I just couldn’t not make it about me. My gremlin of “I’m not doing enough, I’m letting people down, who do I think I am that I could successfully accomplish this, people see right through me and they don’t trust that I can do it.”

This post is maybe more for me than it is for you. I’m writing let me know that I’m ok. I’m being with the feelings and writing helps me to distinguish what my commitment is to myself. I’m being kind to myself tonight.

Writing this make it more clear that this wasn’t about me. People have their own things going on for them and the story I have is that they aren’t happy with me. It’s not true. I’m doing everything I can and I know I’m making a difference. I’m not sure exactly what’s happening for them but I’m guessing they are scared, in the unknown, maybe frustrated.

Doesn’t really matter what it is. It’s not about me.

I’m still flexing this muscle and as of right now: I choose happiness over suffering.

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